Why Am I Getting This Now?

I've been struck by Jesus' use of reversals lately. For some reason it's sinking in at a deeper level lately. All during stewardship season as I preached on generosity I began to understand that you HAVE to give to receive. The whole point of "having" is to be able and willing to give it away. And when you give, more is added. I know it's what Jesus preached, but I have seen it in my own life as I'm learning to trust. Somehow I forget that all that I have belongs to God. Yet when I realize it's not mine, that I am being cared for by one who has more than enough to meet my needs, I'm not afraid to share. A woman called me yesterday while I was at the church and asked how the church is ever going to survive if we keep spending money. Now, let me put this in context for you by telling you that the woman is 89 and the church is behind this year (naturally) but it's an extremely frugal church. Let me also say that the budget is almost identical to the budget 6 years ago and that spending has not gone up. I told the woman that we walk a fine line as the church. We have to be good stewards of what God has given us by practicing careful use of our moneys, but we also have to spend or else we're not doing the ministry God has called us to do. Stewardship is about USING the moneys and gifts God has given us. And when we USE those funds we are also sharing what we've been given, we're practicing generosity and expecting nothing. Yet God continues to give more. She seemed to get it . . . at least for now. And I guess I seem to get it little by little too. I'll clam up and be all scared and then God will remind me to trust. And I'll calm down for awhile.

Something really interesting has been happening. I've been wondering how I'll be able to repay my student loans for divinity school (they've been deferred until now) and I knew I needed a raise of $4000 to make the minimum payment each month (yeah, it's that much . . . thanks, Vandy!). I had already reduced my budget to bare minimum. I've fretted over this for a long time, but other clergy have helped me see it's OK to ask for my needs. My session has been wondering how they are going to do this, but I've found them to be supportive of me. Well, as of tonight, they still haven't made their decision and I realized I wasn't afraid. It turns out my bookkeeper had been underpaying me all this year the equivalent of $4000 and has since corrected her error so, get this, $4000 will be included in what I'm paid next year. There was already enough, I just didn't know it.

This is the reversal God is teaching me. Give, Katie, and trust. Give and trust. Give and trust. There is always enough in God's kingdom.

The reversals are also seen in Nathan's comment on my last post, that perhaps the way in the wilderness is the wilderness itself. Perhaps God isn't "out there" guiding us to the light but is "with us" wherever we might be. Perhaps that answer is always "Emmanuel." Do we need anything more?